I started sketching something, but I can’t decide if I want it to be a Pokemon gijinka or just a…I dunno, fantasy sort of character inspired by that Pokemon. And either way, do I want to base the character off of its types, its role, or both…? I can probably do both, but I don’t know what kind of references to look for. And should I throw my own twist on it (which might not fit but has potential to be unique*, or no?

I guess the former could go either way. It’s just a really interesting (read “odd”) Pokemon that probably gets overlooked, but I really like it and want to do something with it. I just don’t know what, or how.

And this is the problem with a lot of my ideas. Solid concept, but no idea how to go about it. :/

*(Obviously nothing in the world is truly original or unique or whatever. But you get what I mean.)

The most wonderful people I know are the ones that suffer the most.

Which is a bit of a heartbreaking thing to realize. “The saddest people smile the brightest”, and all that.

But then I thought…

If said people did not have to suffer any longer, would they continue to be so wonderful?

Or does it fall under the idea of needing to know the bad to know how to be good? (I know I’ve heard something of the sort before.)

I’m not sure I actually believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t think we, as human beings, can dictate that. Some things just are, and that’s that. But there’s also the argument of there being a reason, we just don’t know what it is. It’s a fair argument, certainly. But we just can’t say for sure. 

I’m just gonna stop there before this post goes on forever. It’s just a musing. That’s all.

Ugh, I dunno Tumblr.

The ~holiday cheer~ everyone gets around this time just hasn’t found me for the past few years. I can’t get into the spirit. It all just feels so…so ordinary now.

Not just Christmas. EVERY holiday.

I’ve been guilted about it by my sister but I can’t help feeling this way.

Is it possible to grow out of holidays? I used to love them, to be excited about them…not anymore. I understand not doing anything for the other ones because I haven’t really seen any of my friends since graduation, but nothing has changed with Christmas. We’ve always done what we could.

Guess I’m just gonna have to force a smile when I go down south to visit my family in a couple weeks, because nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

And I’ve just come to realize that this, combined with several other things…makes me feel…alienated, less human than everyone else. Like a social outcast. Part of that stems from being an introvert, but just part of it.

When I try to tell my mother or sister anything like this, it’s no use. They don’t try to help or understand, they just dismiss it like I’m not upset with myself, like it’s no big deal.

It’s bad enough that by nature, I feel REALLY uncomfortable discussing my feelings with people, even those I trust, and getting such disheartening responses on the rare occasion that I do…

…that on the Internet you’re gonna come across some people who do nothing but trash talk you and try to bring you down without really trying to understand what you’re doing.

But at the same time, you’ll find wonderful, genuine people who will stick by your side because they can tell you’re just as true, even if they’ve never met you before.

…Well, something else besides anything I’ve previously mentioned xD

Anyway. So today is Thanksgiving and I know I wrote a rather long post about it last year…but, I dunno, lately…

…I’m not sure how to explain this. I’m fully aware that today is a holiday, and yet, it doesn’t feel like it usually does. For the past couple years I’ve been slowly losing…interest, I guess? in holidays in general. They don’t feel like anything special anymore. They don’t garner any excitement or anything in me anymore.

…Pretty much I just don’t really care anymore. I hardly see the point in them.

I used to look forward to this time of year. Now I’m just…indifferent :/

Right so there have been loads of times when I want to talk to someone (usually online) but didn’t because I honestly don’t think I know how to strike up a conversation any more. Like I…forgot.

Most of the time I don’t even have anything to talk about so there’s no real point in doing so, save for ~socialization~ (which we all know I suck at)

And I’m sure I’m not the only one out of the people I know that’s like this

And I’m sure some people feel like THEY have to be the one to start the conversation if they ever want to talk to me and I’m sure they hate it and I hate doing that to them

Which is probably why some of them don’t even bother anymore

And I can’t really blame them

And I’m questioning why I even bother logging on to Skype anymore

But I still get lonely.

It’s a vicious downward spiral, really.

But I think I’ve rambled enough. It’s nearing eleven at night and I’ve had a headache for the better part of the day so I’ll just stop now.

Huh. Six a.m. It’s been a while. Guess I pulled an all-nighter…again.

Although, to be fair, I couldn’t get any sleep at the Relay for Life (which lasts 18 hours, I woke up four hours before it started) and I had to be up at 5 a.m. to walk…and then I proceeded to sleep from about noon (two hours after it ended) to six or seven yesterday evening.

I guess if I stay awake all day today and maybe go to bed early I can keep myself from reversing my sleep schedule…hm. Well. Here goes nothing.

…I’m hungry.

Edit: It is now seven a.m., and I don’t think I’m gonna make it another 15 hours or so D: If I sleep now then maybe I’ll wake up around 2, which is usually the latest I go.

Sketching bustshot last night for an OC I’ve been trying to work on for ages.

Looks pretty good, get somewhere on non-visuals, think, “Oh, I can work on it tomorrow, plenty of time.”

Last period at school, come to find my first project for AP Studio that I worked really hard on ended up breaking beyond repair and if I want a full grade for it, I have to sculpt a miniature of it tonight.

Sigh heavily, accept the fact that this sucks but I’m lucky that after more than two years of working with clay, this is the first time I’ve lost something during firing.

Wedge some clay and lug it home, nearly falling asleep on the bus despite the noise.

Sit on computer when I get home for a while, realize I should probably start it.

Blog about it instead.

So now that the end of September is fast approaching (where did the days go, sheesh), I’ve gotten back into the swing of things.

Food Tech will be…interesting, Chorus is most definitely fun (except the rehearsals might drive me crazy), 3D Studio is going just swimmingly, English is…well, English, Gym might actually be better this year, Band hasn’t changed, and Chemistry? Yeah, I can do this. The music & art wing is basically my second home, and I never have to sit alone at lunch! The class council actually needs and appreciates me this year, and even though my evening rehearsals have doubled (because of both band and chorus), it’ll still be no sweat. I’m slowly making friends so I’m not alone in any of my classes and I haven’t totally screwed myself over for college; I have a solid plan.

And everything feels right because I’ve found where I belong.

This is my senior year.

And it’s gonna be great.

I mean, I just like to draw silly little cartoons and mess around with paint sometimes. And build with clay just ‘cause it’s fun.

I feel like I don’t belong in that class…….

Then again, I feel like I don’t belong in ANY of my classes this year except band =/